Sunday, December 27, 2009
customers. This one caught me by total surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to
get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough
to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to my car as
I was packing my shopping into the trunk. They both started wiping my
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their their skimpy T-shirts and hot pants . It is
very difficult not to look. When I thanked them and offered them a tip,
they said 'No' and instead asked me for a ride to McDonald's.
I agreed, Being the gentleman that I am , and they get into the back seat. Then one of them climbed over into the front seat and started crawling all over me, I had my hands all over her trying valiantly to fend her off !
Meanwhile the other one was stealing my wallet.
I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th, & 29th.
Also November 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th,
23rd, 26th & 28th, three times on the 27th during the Black Friday Sale
and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage
of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. Wal-Mart has wallets on
sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart in
Texarkana but I bought them out.
Also, you never will get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds
just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Sam's.
Be Care full out there Its a Crazy World I tell you ! I Feel SO Violated !
Friday, December 11, 2009
Besides its becomming IMPOSSIBLE to keep waitress help that will show up here for work.
Hope to see you all at Wiks-n-Wudwerks
Monday, November 23, 2009
The ( Read article here Daily Herald ) reports that an unnamed 15-year-old called 911 last week after his mother and father took away his Xbox as a punishment for an undisclosed transgression.
( Yes Mom And Dad way to go !! We at the Coffeeshop Salute You !)
Buffalo Grove police Cmdr. Steve Husak says that the caper started out as a hang-up call to the emergency service.
Husak Says that all abandoned 911 calls in the area are traced and that officers follow up with a visit to the address .
"When officers responded, they saw it was a domestic situation," says Husak. "The center of the argument was that his parents were punishing him and " he wanted clarification of whether or not they could do that." ( Well DUHHHHH ! )
Officers advised him that yes, that was in fact a " punishment."
Husak adds that officers went on to explain that the boy's parents were well within their rights and that he should try to follow the rules of the house.
" Strikes Up The Tune " I FOUGHT THE LAW AND THE LAW WON !
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I know in larger city's this has been a problem for a long time , however I live in a small farming community. One of the Major attractions of small farm life was that people still had Values and Morals and would stand behind the neighbor.
People went out of there way to "do for others" to be " Friend" not just a business associate.
And the "Other person" remembered that and returned the loyalty .
It seems that now a days the amount of Loyalty is dependant on the almighty dollar.
The " I will be loyal as long as there is something in it for me " Concept seems to be the days norm . And Don't people realize their children pick up on this and imitate those attitudes.
Question yourself , If a person is WILLING to be DISLOYAL For Me , Will He Not Also Be DISLOYAL TO ME ?
Why is it a person can go The "Extra Mile" And its "expected" instead of appreciated .
So Tell me , where is Loyalty today ? Has It become Just a Fancy word , A relic of the past .
Maybe Our newest Museum Should be
" THINGS THAT USED TO MATTER "
MAIN ATTRACTION !!
" LOYALTY "
( little boy walking by " Daddy whats that " ?? well son that's an antiquated ideal ! )
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Candle lady is a sucker for the hard luck cases , so she started feeding them and watching from a distance . We currently have 7 cats by the way , so as you can tell we have Lot's of strays come up.
It took about a month of feeding and sitting closer and closer before two of the three would stay put . The third one , a solid grey is still to timid to be touched.
One was a solid black long hair male and the other a calico female.
After the first month or so the Black long hair ( she named Bagerra from Disney movie ) he just one day jumped in her lap and started cuddling her. Of course the calico wasn't far behind.
She took them and had shots done and "fixed" to help cut down on more cats . We have enjoyed the " lil " fella playing on the deck and chasing the "acorns" that fall from our tree.
The black long hair was her favorite by far and she spent allot of time with him . He had personality and was quite the handsome fella.
This brings me to why I'm posting . Last night he was apparently out and was where he shouldn't have been . In the dark I'm sure its hard to see a black cat and the car won. Fortunately he didn't suffer at all. It was quick.
I have a very heartbroken candle lady and short legs today . Of course its always the "favorite" that gets in harms way it seems.
So today is a hard day here . She still has two that she has saved and I have told her to focus on them . And , not to make light of it, there will be more strays and we will save and lose more I'm sure.
I guess i just don't get how people can dump animals and let them starve . Even with the occasional loss of a pet , the joy that comes of spending time and watching them grow and play is worth the risk.
So I guess , My hats off to lil Bagerra today . He will be sorely missed.
Even by the gruff old CoffeeMan .
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
She's Caught NOW !!!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I realize there are many who would like to and because of stressful circumstances cannot, that's not who I'm referring to here. The world in general is to busy trying to get "rich" .
For example, simple things . Stop for a moment and ask yourself when did I last enjoy this "moment"
(1) A walk holding hands with the one you love.
(2) The smell of a beautiful flower
(3) The hugs of a little child , grandchild
(4) Looking at the stars on a clear beautiful night
(5) The feel of a brand new pair of socks ( one of my favorites)
(6) Cuddling with your sweetie in front of a campfire
(7) The wonder and excitement in the eyes of a child learning
(8) A beautifull sunset or sunrise
(9) Watching two squirrels play hide and go chase in the tree .
(10) Jumping in a pile of leaves
(11) The smell of a campfire burning
(12) That song on the radio that describes what your feeling right at that moment
( Thanks Willow )
(13) reading a book, melting chocolate in your mouth in soft pajamas.
( Thank You Karen Deborah )
(14) ( Add Yours Here )
The best ones dont really cost us anything but our time , and are way more valuable to us than any monetary value we assign to our time .
And I'm sure if we stop and think about it we could add dozens more to this list.
So that's the assignment ! Stop and think , what would you add , or what are your "moments" of simple things that are so precious that somehow get pushed aside in the rat race we call life.
Take the time ! Enjoy those moments ! And most will have to agree , Money isn't even on the list !
Have a Wonderful Day Everyone
Sunday, October 11, 2009
**waits for someone to scrape milkmaids butt up off floor and give her smelling salts**
The CandleLady decided that CoffeeMan needed culture in his life and she recently purchased tickets to go see "Celtic Woman " .
Then she asked me if I would be willing to go and see the concert with her . What she didn't know is that I had actually seen parts of it on PBS and was quite impressed . So I said , SURRRRRE Those ladies Jiggle real nice !! *Grins*
After the "LOOK" had subsided and her mouth was off the floor she got online and purchased the tickets . Was $ 30.00 per ticket , so not ungodly high.
Well last night the concert was held and Coffeeman donned his nice pants and white shirt , NO i didn't wear a tie sheeeeeeeesh !! Just how much *culture* is one guy supposed to stand in one night ? *silly girls*
Any way we got all gussied up and even shortlegs *looking quite lady like * and off we went.
The concert started at 8:00 pm and ended at 10:30 with a 20 min intermission.
Now I will tell you , some of the finest 4 part harmony I have ever heard came out of the mouths of the lovely young ladies . They danced and sang and coffeeman was as impressed as I have ever been at ANY concert bar none.
The young lady pictured above doesn't sing , however she plays the violin / fiddle and dances and spins in such a manner that you CANNOT help but be impressed . I was completely blown away at the musical talent presented there last night. They had 2 sets of drums, so lots of percussion . And not just basic drums I mean every type you could think of. Guitarist , flutist , piano , base . And the floor show was excellent , lights and dancing .
And it was easy to tell that the performers were enjoying it as much as I was. They didn't come off as aloof or special by any means . I honestly felt I was watching a group of down home folks doing what they do best and trying really hard to put on a excellent show to give me what I paid for .
SO HUSBANDS . ** And Evan Too** If you get a chance to take your lovely brides /Lady friends too* ** snorts** to see the concert Celtic Women . Do So . You Will NOT be disappointed .
Friday, October 9, 2009
I woke up this morning and the Sky's are sunny !
The Birds are Chirping !
Unemployment is down !
Cancer has been cured!
All of the world has food and proper clothing and a place to live !
Health insurance is now $20.00 a month for full coverage !
And NO ONE WAS MURDERED, OR RAPED , OR ROBBED TODAY !!
That's right The MILLIONS we spent to see an explosion on the moon has solved all mankind's problem !
That's when I WOKE UP !!
And people will STILL say that Mankind can solve all our problems ??
THINK PEOPLE !! sheeeeeeeeeeeeesh!!
As has proven true all along , the only thing that people have gotten really proficient at is BLOWING STUFF UP!!
Fortunately we have video of the historic even !!
Yes The world is a MUCH better place now ! I feel SOOOOOOO much more secure !!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
(Oct. 7) -- A NASA probe is about to fire a missile into the moon and you might be able to get a glimpse of the impact.
The missile released by the Lunar Crater Observing and Sensing Satellite (LCROSS) will slam into the moon's south pole Friday, sending up a plume of debris several miles high. Instruments on the booster trailing the missile will analyze the debris and, before also crashing into the lunar surface, will relay the data to the
( " LCROSS " ) orbiter.
We are living on a planet that is suffering from:
Lack of Fresh Water
Lack of food for millions
Lack of proper Medication for millions
War that seems will NEVER end
We have a Unemployment rate that is as bad as its been in yrs
We have an economy that is getting worse
We have Farmers going out of business daily
We have A national debt that is absolutely ludicrous
We have disease that we have created that we CANNOT cure
We have terrorist that kill and mutilate daily
We have increasing tax Difficulty
We have Lack of health Insurance for Millions
SHALL I CONTINUE !!
This is only a small portion of the vast problems that we as a RACE OF HUMANS ARE FACING !
DOESN'T MATTER WHAT POLITICAL SIDE YOU ARE ON OR WHAT COUNTRY YOU LIVE IN ITS THE SAME !
And NOW the powers that be ( Both Sides ) want to spend hard earned tax dollars on sending a bomb to the MOON To Look for water ??
HEY STUPID !!
Hows about we look for a solution to problems we have here and spend the money that way !!
Don't even try and tell me that this "science" will benefit mankind . That's a load of Horse Crap !
But sir you don't see the long term potential !! HOG HEWEY !! The long term potential is Crap. I DO SEE THE POTENTIAL OF CURING CANCER WITH WHAT WE HAVE HERE ON THE PLANET SPEND MONEY LOOKING THERE !!
I DO SEE THE LONG TERM POTENTIAL OF SOLVING THE ENERGY CRISIS SPEND MONEY THERE
I DO SEE THE LONG TERM POTENTIAL OF FEEDING MILLIONS FOR A WHILE ON WHAT THIS WILL COST SPEND MONEY THERE
This is a perfect example of money being wasted on stupidity rather than using it to the GOOD of mankind in general .
This isn't a political post , this is simply a post in regards to the waste of my money on ignorance and things that are TOTALLY unnecessary in the name of science and space travel !
You want to impress me ?
STOP THE STUPID STUFF AND START SOLVING THE TROUBLE WE HAVE NOW!!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I guess I've Got A Ticket To Pay For !!
Lil Traitor supposed to be MY best Friend !!
Friday, September 11, 2009
I Mean ALL OF US Have Bad Days.
So. Research has been done and this is what we found in the dumpster outside .
Look through these please and let me know your thoughts. personally there are a couple I would have bought !
My Tire Was Thumping
I Thought it was flat
I got out and checked
and found it was your cat !
So Sorry !!
Example # 2
So Your Daughters a Hooker
and its spoiled your day !
Look on the bright side
She makes realllyyyyy good pay !
Example # 3
I heard your wife left you
How grieved you must be .
Your problems are mine
she moved in with me !
Looking Over the years
tears , toil, and joking
I now have to wonder
what the hell was I smoking !
Example # 2
I've always desired someone to hold
a person to love , to cherish , and have to grow old
After 5 years of Marriage
In reflection I find
If Forever's Like this
Then I've Changed my Mind !
I never imagined
religion in life
all that's been changed
since you've been my wife
from day one , it was easy to tell
with this in my future
there MUST be a hell
Since the beginning ,the day we first met
The die was cast the stage was set
you helped me grow up from being a lad
I wish you HAPPY Birthday
My Dear " UNCLE DAD "
( available in selected states only )
Example # 2
Happy Birthday dear friend , Your Older than me
But the days have been kind, to You I can see
after all your plastic surgery, silicon, teeth , and hair spike
I am amazed at the outcome ,You look almost lifelike !!
All your friends decided something special to do
we sat and we drank and thought it all through
A Pet we all thought , A dog ? Cat? or a Sheep?
then we decided , what the hell, we'll just put
YOU to sleep !
When we were together you said you would be
always around a protection for me.
I'll die for you, you said, everyone heard
now please be a man and go keep your word
Congrats on the promotion, it is given to show
the hard work and dedication all came to know
To bad it was MY work , covering YOUR slack
so when you move to your office
don't forget your knife in my back !
As the days pass by , I know how lucky I am
beautiful sunsets , great drinks , pretty women , white sand
I appreciate your hard work back in the office you see
and I am so damn glad your not here , to ruin this for me
Well What did ya think you were gonna read ?
Friday, September 4, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Vote Now !!
Duffer Golfer Rules
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough
with no penalty. The Duffer should not be penalized for tall grass which
ground keepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6 (b)
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is
simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The Duffer
must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not
hit the tree and play the ball from there.
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near
the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making
it a stolen ball. The Duffer is not to compound the felony by charging
himself or herself with a penalty.
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be
blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole.
No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The Duffer
deserves an apology, not a penalty.
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should
float. Duffers should not be penalized for manufacturers'
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf
equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many Duffer golfers,
one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using any prior year's (then
brand new ... and still perfectly serviceable) golf equipment or terms such
as: "brassy", "niblick", "mashy", or "The hell you say!".
Please advise all Duffer friends of these important changes, and carry a
copy with you at all times, so you may successfully defend yourself should
your wife or any smart-alecky young male challenge any of these clearly improved, perfectly reasoned, impeccably fair and long overdue new rules.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
A real hero:
BY Henrick Karoliszyn, Edgar Sandoval and Rich Schapiro
DAILY NEWS WRITERS
Camp counselor Rachel Guzy, 16, saved 9 kids after their bus driver had a heart attack and died while driving.
School bus driver dies on the job with 9 kids in vehicle
A quick-thinking 16-year-old girl - who doesn't even know how to drive - was hailed as a hero on Wednesday for saving a bus full of kids after the driver dropped dead behind the wheel.
"If not for Rachel, we could have been dead or at the hospital," Artemis Sacramone, 12, a camper at the Magic Carpet Day Camp, said Wednesday, a day after camp counselor Rachel Guzy's heroic act.
WELL DONE !!!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
I am happy for her father , yet sad that her mom was lost , possibly dying right beside her. That alone would have traumatic affect on her . She will have scars to deal with for the rest of her life and trauma that will haunt her.
I hope she gets the attention she needs in a psychological way. The deepest cuts are usually never visible.
What I want to talk about is what was done to her after !
This poor young girl has just survived a plane crash , her mother was lost along with 151 others . She has stated that she heard voices while she floated in the water for a while , so there were others at some point alive .
She managed 13 hrs in the water and came away with very minor injuries . During said time the voices stopped . Were people dying around her ? The Mental Trauma that she had to be going through .
THEY PUT HER ON A PLANE TO SEND HER HOME !!!
Am I the ONLY person to see the stupidity in that move ?
Lets add additional Trauma to this poor girl !! PUT HER ON A PLANE ??
Have we become so insensitive as a people that we don't stop long enough to think , Maybe , JUST MAYBE That was a BAD idea ?
The white knuckle flight home had to be as terrifying as the original ordeal !
Ive heard someone say , fall off a horse , get right back on ! WELL A HORSE doesn't KILL 152 people and leave you stranded in the water for 13 HRS !
Well there is my 2 cents worth !
You may not like my Opinion , but its my sandbox I'll pee in it if I want to!
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I sure hope the coach has gotten the men back on their feet , and stitched up.
However READY OR NOT !
Its Time For : ROUND 3
Remember a clean fight you two !!
DING DING DING
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
Look out folks the Wife is Down , we have the ref counting
Is she gonna be able to recover ?
shes moving trying to get up !
She slowly getting to her feet , looks at the husband weaving , and shocked.
My cats all get scared on occasion , and when they do there tails poof up !
Husband jumps in and says : Thats right baby , tell people your butts not fat your just SCARED !
And thats when the fight started :
DING DIND DING DING DING
THE FIGHTS OVER !! What an upset , the husbands win with a last minute TKO in the 3rd round !
The crowds going wild , claiming a cheap shot !
We will have to let the fight committee review this , however as for now its the husbands winning in round 3 with a TKO !!
Monday, June 15, 2009
Remember , Clean Fight , Leave The Inlaws Out of It .
Now Go To Your Corners And come Out Swinging !
DING DING DING
My Wife rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to Her car, looked up at Her , and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY
So, She looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
And then the fight started....
DING DING DING
Break it UP !!
WOW , Well Guys This Round is awarded to the Ladies By Unanimous Vote , The Husbands are reeling and it may be a close battle for Round 3
Stop In Soon For
ROUND 3 Of:
AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED !!!
Would someone get that man a ice pack and clean up this mess , sheesh she killed him that time !
Friday, June 12, 2009
In This Corner We Have Weighing In At Over 200Lbs THE HUSBANDS
And In The Other Corner We Have Weighing In At 100 Lbs ( Snicker ) THE WIVES
Ok I want A Clean Fight , No Gouging , Kicking , Cussing , Or Throwing Stuff !!
And Leave The Inlaws Outa the Fight !!
DING DING DING
Please enjoy : ROUND 1 Of
" And Then The Fight Started "
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to
the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The
wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And then the fight started...
DING DING DING
End Of Round 1 :
And we have to award this round to THE HUSBANDS
Stop back in we will be bringing on ROUND 2 as soon as our Fight.... errrrrrrrrr ........Married Couple catch their breath !
If You Have Had Any In YOUR Marriage You Would Like To Share , Please Feel Free To Leave A Comment !!
Its All In Good Fun !
Monday, June 8, 2009
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
( 1 ) In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer
to sleep on. Hence the phrase.......... 'goodnight, sleep tight..'
( 2 ) It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all
the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calender
was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know
today as the "honeymoon. "
( 3 ) In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England ,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your
pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
( 4 ) Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
used the whistle to get some service.. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
( 5 ) In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to
beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have
'the rule of thumb'
( 6 ) Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled
'Gentlemen Only....Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into
the English language
SEE Dont You FEEL Smarter already !
And Remember The Motto For Today Is !
Take Life On Like A DOG , If Ya Cant Eat It , Fight It , Or Bury It . Then Sniff It , Pee On It .... And Walk Away !!
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Its the very thing that is the answer to all mens prayers !
I was in the outer Most reagions of southern mongolia , chasing after the elusive Brown horned "Jiggity Jog " and as i cut through the dense underbrush .............
THERE IT WAS !
I Chased it many miles , befor setting the ultimate trap and finally it is
MINE I TELL YOU ....
ALL MINE !!
( hysterical evil laugh )
Well u wanna see it ? Its in the box you see before you here !
Please ask all children to leave the room !!
And By all means ask ALL husbands to enter the room !!
As we pry open the crate the elusive item is brought to the open for all men to see and be amazed and lust for so readly !
Please contain yourselves gentlemen , im sure in time your wives will gladly make sure your dreams are answered by providing you with THIS your hearts desire !!
( drum roll )
BE STILL MY HEART !!
YES MEN IT IS FINALLY AVAILABLE
PLACE YOUR ORDERS TODAY !!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
"Finally Somthing I Can Do Right " He thought
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms.
Then Decided to take her to Six Flags theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster RollerCoaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolateshake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, '
Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!
'The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Thanks Brownie !
Saturday, March 28, 2009
SO I AM DEDICATING this to MY CRACKPOT Friend !
Heres To You : " MilkMansWife "
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course , the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream
'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.
' The old woman smiled,
'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? ' 'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I
planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.' 'For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.
Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them. SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
It is a little long but worth EVERY minute !
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden . Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah , who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston . Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them. After the Old Testament came the New Testament .
Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'A s a matter of fact, I was.') During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.
Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?''
We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.
''C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?' 'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained!
'Mom cooked every day, and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.
'By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
( 1 ) Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country, or had a credit card.
( 2 ) In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears& Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
( 3 ) My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer.
( 4 ) I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds and only had one speed, (slow).
( 5 ) We didn't have a television in our house until I was 12. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m., and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.
( 6 ) I was 16 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie. 'When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
( 7 ) We didn't have a car until I was 4. It was an old black Dodge.
( 8 ) I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room, and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line. And before you could answer the phone , you had to make sure it was your ring ! Thats right you had a particular ring that was only for you , you DID NOT answer someone elses ring !
( 9 ) Pizzas were not delivered to our home, but milk was.
( 10 ) All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers--my brother delivered a newspaper six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning. On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who never seemed to be home on collection day.
( 11 ) Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
Dont Like My Opinion ? I Dont Care , Its My SandBox I'll Pee In It If I Want To !!
Friday, February 6, 2009
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning..... Uphill.....barefoot....... .....BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of fifty , I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a darn utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the darn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!! Do you even KNOW what a card cataloge IS ? There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! Thats correct PEN AND " GASP " PAPER !!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our butts! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself and pray to god your parents or friends parents didnt find out ! " see previous comment " Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! Or right in the middle your mom would yell " Would You Like Lunch ? " Lost more Good Ted Nugent Stuff That way ! There were no CD players! We had 8 track tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone - cause that's how we rolled, dig?
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! Our call waiting was if mom had the phone your sorry butt WAITED !! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! And cell phones ?? Crap that was just a fantasy on StarTrek !!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the PinBall Machine ! With lights and sounds and cost 25 cents to play . You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were nomultiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!
Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV to change the channel! IMAGINE THAT !! NO REMOTE ! There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little brats!
And God Forbid The President was on ! He would take up all 4 Channels !
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... imagine that! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or before!
Regards,The over 30 Crowd
Dont Like My Opinion ? I Dont Care , Its My SandBox I'll Pee In It If I Want To !!
Friday, January 30, 2009
( 1 ) 'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, " Pick one Baby ; There is NO WAY I can't do both" !
( 2 ) 'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
( 3 ) 'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door and starts the coffeepot !
( 4 ) 'OLD' IS WHEN..
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face and adds 12" to your waist line!
( 5 ) 'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. ( See # 1 )
( 6 ) 'OLD' IS WHEN...
The only Speed in your life gets You cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police !
( 7 ) 'OLD' IS WHEN. ..
"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today!
( 8 ) 'OLD' IS WHEN...
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot!
( 9 ) 'OLD' IS WHEN...
An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom!
( 10 ) 'OLD IS WHEN" ...
" Daily Execise" means watching hot girls doing aerobics on tv ! ( see # 3 )
( 11 ) 'OLD IS WHEN'...
Stuff hurts this morning that didnt hurt yesterday !
( 12 ) 'OLD IS WHEN'...
Your Glad its hurtin , cause ya know its sill WORKING !AND
( 13 ) 'OLD' IS WHEN..
You really dont think the above Jokes are Funny !
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in Fine. ( See # 1 )
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying ( Go Ahead Stupid ! See #4 )
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' ( For the woman's response refer to # 3. )
(10) The Look: This is NON VERBAL Communication that has the effect of implying the words " Fine" ( see Rule # 1) " Go Ahead " ( See Rule # 4 ) and "WhatEver" ( See Rule # 8 ) At The Same Moment !
I hope that this little Education helps all men to avoid the Look that usually accompanies all the above rules .