Snorts and Spew's Coffee !!

I found this and decided instantly it had to be a permanent hanging in the coffeee shop !



Remind You Of Anyone Sassy Waitress ?



ROFLMAO

Well Now that I have Managed to chap off The Waitress and The Candle Lady My Day is Complete !!

IVE FOUND IT !!

After many years of exhausting and never ending work , I have finally found the item that ALL men dream about !


Its the very thing that is the answer to all mens prayers !


I was in the outer Most reagions of southern mongolia , chasing after the elusive Brown horned "Jiggity Jog " and as i cut through the dense underbrush .............

THERE IT WAS !



I Chased it many miles , befor setting the ultimate trap and finally it is

MINE !


MINE I TELL YOU ....


ALL MINE !!



( hysterical evil laugh )



Well u wanna see it ? Its in the box you see before you here !







Please ask all children to leave the room !!



And By all means ask ALL husbands to enter the room !!



As we pry open the crate the elusive item is brought to the open for all men to see and be amazed and lust for so readly !



Please contain yourselves gentlemen , im sure in time your wives will gladly make sure your dreams are answered by providing you with THIS your hearts desire !!



( drum roll )



BE STILL MY HEART !!

YES MEN IT IS FINALLY AVAILABLE

PLACE YOUR ORDERS TODAY !!

AHHH TO BE 6 AGAIN !

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

"Finally Somthing I Can Do Right " He thought


On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms.

Then Decided to take her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day!



He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster RollerCoaster, everything there was.


Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.






He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolateshake.






Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, '





Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'





Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.





'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!





'The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Thanks Brownie !

Hello All You CrackPots !

I was sent this recently by a friend and thought it merited posting as well ,

SO I AM DEDICATING this to MY CRACKPOT Friend !

Heres To You : " MilkMansWife "

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course , the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream

'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.

' The old woman smiled,

'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? ' 'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I
planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.' 'For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.

Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them. SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

Through The Eyes Of A Child

I dont normally post ANYTHING about Religion Or Politics , But I COULD NOT let this one go .
It is a little long but worth EVERY minute !

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden . Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah , who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston . Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them. After the Old Testament came the New Testament .

Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'A s a matter of fact, I was.') During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.

Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.

His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Remember When ?

After reading my post someone sent me this , and it goes right along with what i had said .

Enjoy!!

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?''

We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.

''C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?' 'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained!

'Mom cooked every day, and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.

'By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

( 1 ) Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country, or had a credit card.

( 2 ) In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears& Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

( 3 ) My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer.

( 4 ) I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds and only had one speed, (slow).

( 5 ) We didn't have a television in our house until I was 12. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m., and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.

( 6 ) I was 16 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie. 'When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

( 7 ) We didn't have a car until I was 4. It was an old black Dodge.

( 8 ) I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room, and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line. And before you could answer the phone , you had to make sure it was your ring ! Thats right you had a particular ring that was only for you , you DID NOT answer someone elses ring !

( 9 ) Pizzas were not delivered to our home, but milk was.

( 10 ) All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers--my brother delivered a newspaper six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning. On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who never seemed to be home on collection day.

( 11 ) Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

SO !!

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

Dont Like My Opinion ? I Dont Care , Its My SandBox I'll Pee In It If I Want To !!

People Under 30 Are SPOILED Nowadays !!

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning..... Uphill.....barefoot....... .....BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of fifty , I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a darn utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the darn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!! Do you even KNOW what a card cataloge IS ? There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! Thats correct PEN AND " GASP " PAPER !!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our butts! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself and pray to god your parents or friends parents didnt find out ! " see previous comment " Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! Or right in the middle your mom would yell " Would You Like Lunch ? " Lost more Good Ted Nugent Stuff That way ! There were no CD players! We had 8 track tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone - cause that's how we rolled, dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! Our call waiting was if mom had the phone your sorry butt WAITED !! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! And cell phones ?? Crap that was just a fantasy on StarTrek !!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the PinBall Machine ! With lights and sounds and cost 25 cents to play . You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were nomultiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!
Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV to change the channel! IMAGINE THAT !! NO REMOTE ! There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little brats!
And God Forbid The President was on ! He would take up all 4 Channels !

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... imagine that! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or before!


Regards,The over 30 Crowd


Dont Like My Opinion ? I Dont Care , Its My SandBox I'll Pee In It If I Want To !!